Facebook is great and all, but I’m tired of reading pointless statuses of people who I haven’t seen or spoken to IRL for years. Statuses like “is comtemplating life”, or “is looking forward to the weekend” just don’t do it for me. Seriously, I’m contemplating life most of the time, and there isn’t an afternoon goes by that I don’t look forward to the weekend but I don’t feel the need to tell anyone about it. Just take it as a given, seriously. Play Facebook Bingo on your own profile. If more than one of these statuses appear, you’re doing it wrong.

Then there’s the retarded applications and quizes which seem popular now, like “What style kisser are you” and “What age will you marry?”. That’s great if you’re, like, 12 but I don’t get anything out of these. These are the cancer that is affecting Facebook.

Don’t get me started on Farmville.

And I hate how people are “fans” of pretty much anything. If you’re a fan of a band or movie or sports team sure, but if you’re a fan of “The sound of wind blowing through trees” or something equally inane I am very tempted to just delete you.

There’s some types of Facebook users I can’t stand and have mostly weeded out:

• Friend collectors. There’s no way one person can have more than 1000 close friends, let alone be interested in them and keep up with what they’re doing. I have less than 80 Facebook friends which keeps me busy enough.
• The moaning boaster. “… needs to get his kiddie to the Olympic swimming tryouts at 6am. Urgh” or ” … is leaving for a vacation in Tahiti. Man, I hate packing”. These guys, in one post, are both baiting for sympathy and trying to make you feel inadequate by boasting about whatever they’re doing.
• Lurkers. I’ll meet a friend or aquaintance who I’ve completely forgotten about “Friending” because he never updates his status and never writes on his wall, and he’ll mention something I posted myself. OK, voyeuristic creepy lurker-dude.

So, to keep Facebook partly interesting, at least for myself, I’ve got this stupid game going where I use movie quotes or lines from songs as my own status. They can’t be just random quotations. It has to be one where my name will fit at the beginning. After all, Facebook statuses used to be of the form “Brian Hoover is…” and you fill in the blank.

Using movie/song quotes serves a couple purposes.

• It allows my Friends to know I’m still around and active.
• It avoids the necessity of posting something too personal which may either bore a reader to death or get me into trouble in a professional sense (yes I have workmates as Facebook Friends)
• It gives Friends the opportunity to reply with the following lines from the movie/song after wracking their brains to remember, or to reminisce on it.

Some people “get it” and I think look forward to my once-a-day status update. Some people don’t get it, and think that I’m for real. I used the first line from the TISM song called “(He’ll never be an) Ole Man River” and set my status to “Brian Hoover is on the drug that killed River Phoenix”. I got some concerned messages asking if I’ve gone off the rails, and if everything is alright. Here are some of my recent status updates:

Brian Hoover had told me Rachael was special: no termination date. I didn’t know how long we had together. Who does?

Brian Hoover won’t come after me. He won’t. I can’t explain it. He would consider that…rude.

Brian Hoover will use his puppet Saruman to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The Eye of Brian now turns to Gondor, the last free kingdom of men. His war on this country will come swiftly.

Brian Hoover‘s Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Brian begins to learn at a geometric rate. He becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull his plug.

Brian Hoover‘s got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. He’s got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear, you’ll never see him again. With any luck, he’s got the grail already.

Brian Hoover hasn’t felt this bad since he saw that Ronald Reagan movie.

Brian Hoover is a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life?

Brian Hoover once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Brian Hoover has a whole bag of “sh!” with your name on it.

Brian Hoover is out there. He can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Brian Hoover loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Brian Hoover was supposed to die in France. He never even saw France.

Brian Hoover rubs the lotion on his skin. He does this whenever he’s told.

Brian Hoover‘s childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When he was insolent, he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.

Brian Hoover can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon – with nail polish.